So funny story…I’ve got cancer. I was watching some lymph nodes in my neck, and noticed that they were becoming bigger over a six month period. One doctors visit, a scan, a biopsy later- and yes I’ve got cancer. Results aren’t all in right now.
Here’s the situation: I have no control of the type of cancer I have or what my prognosis is. I only have control over how I react to this. I have no control of whether or not I will live or die. I have only control on how I choose to live the days that I have been given. And if that is true than the choice for me is simple: I have to live this day as brilliantly as possible and fill it with as much love and happiness and truth as I possibly can. I need this day and everyday to be filled with hope and wonder and peace.
Many people might doubt the justice of a God who would give them cancer and have them suffer and possibly die. I struggle with the same thing. But when this happened to other people I believed there was a plan. When a billion people cried out in pain- I thought that suffering was a part of the world, and that it is intertwined with joy, part of God’s masterpiece because it’s all Life. And now that I suffer too- is it time for me to say the game isn’t fair? Now that I have had myself singled out- is it time to cry and moan about life?
No- it fucking well isn’t. My life has been blessed by love and affection. My life has had some ups and downs- but they were mere hills compared to what I am now beset by. I will not invalidate my entire life by screaming when it is now my time to suffer. I have asked for the ability to change the world, to change myself, to become the person I was meant to be- well here’s my chance, it’s fucking cancer. Let me smile my way through it, laugh my way within it, and make each day precious. I believe I am going to be healed and okay, but no matter what I must surrender to the mystery of life, accept what is, and try to love it anyways. That’s what life is all about. That’s what I’m all about.